I received this quite a while ago and theres a lot that we can learn from this message. This issue that she pointed out is still very prevalent within the asian culture. May Allah give us hidaayah.
“I am 32 years old. My ex hubby dated me for six years, I started dating him whilst I was in grade 12, I was 19 years old. We were the best of friends. I waited until he completed college and started work, my family and his family then met, we got married and had a son. (Now 7 years old ).
My husband was short tempered at times, but our problems started when I wanted to make him feel he can’t control me. Every time we argued, I would pack my bags, go to my family and explain. My sisters would phone my husband and shout at him. If he is controlling me I would always dare him that if you wish divorce me- I never wanted divorce, I just had pride and I never wanted to look as a loser in his eyes.
One day I pushed him to the limit so that for the first time he beat me up and locked me out of the house , I returned to my family, and they took him to the police to lay a charge. Every time people saw me , I looked like I was being abused! But to be honest, I used to abuse my husband emotionally.
He was arrested and detained. I was asked by his family to withdraw the case, I felt that what I was doing is wrong.
My husband was never a violent man, he did what he did because I pushed him to the limits of which he openly knelt down and apologized. I withdrew the charge, and we reconciled.
After three months, I packed my bags after a small issue, and he remained alone. After two days I received a call that he is in hospital, my family told me that I shouldn’t go there because it will look like am begging him for another chance, and my sisters believed he is faking the illness.
All this time, people felt sorry for me like I was the one being abused. He spent a week in hospital, after he was discharged , I just received a summon for a divorce . I wanted to say no to divorce, but because I felt this pride, I wanted him to change his mind and beg me, I called him and said to him that he will get the divorce because I live like I am in hell.
When we went to court, I wanted to make him pay, so I told the court that I needed his properties to be divided between us. To my surprise he openly told the court that whatever he and I acquired together should be given to me, All he wanted was a divorce.
We divorced in 2009 July. Now, this Saturday my husband is getting married again, whilst I am here wasted! My family are gossiping about me, I depend financially on what my ex gives to my son for survival. I know I wasted my marriage. I am here telling all wives to be careful how and who you get advice from. Don’t be cheated. Even my young sisters are much more respected than I am. Those who encouraged me to divorce are always bad mouthing me.
There is no benefit in pride!”
From this, we can als0 understand the importance of keeping personal issues strictly between the two spouses. Involving third party members always causes more harm then benefit in the long run because it never is the case that the third party is assessing the situation fairly (there should never be anyone else getting involved unless they are qualified to do so i.e. an islamic judge who’s been asked to intervene by both wife and husband).